Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Amy Winehouse: so after all of the heartbreak, after all the nasty articles we think, “why was she so great?” No? Am I the only one? I don’t really come across many people that feel the same way. But for me, one track does it all. “Wake Up Alone” is just such a great track. Something that we all experience. I love that opening line “It’s okay in the day/ I’m staying busy”. Really though, I think we all start the same way, in the beginning of the day. The first thought of all single peoples. At least I’m drinking…
At think right now. Should I be in a relationship right now? I don’t think so. That wouldn’t be too smart. As a rule, you should never bring up past relationships. And how sad you are about how sour they went. God you’re dumb. Well, let’s turn a new leaf. There are really only two options. Live or die. And though it is so tempting and easy to just give yourself the axe. Like Amy. Be strong. There’s such a lot of living to do.
New Year’s Eve at the Stress Factory!
Well, I’m going to try to go to this… but dammit. I feel so stupid right now. Need to forget her. I need to find someone else
(Source: stressfactory.com)
(via the-ill)
September 11, 2011 8:44PM
Watched ‘Manhattan’ for the first time today at BAM which was also a first. Very good. Very gratifying. And very New York.
The music was sooo beautiful too. Really shrunk my heart. I love something as much as he does this city.
Sometimes, you just have to find a reason to hate someone. That or just find someone else. Am I fickle? Is she?
And she. I never thought to do a google search. Funny how someone’s life can be wrapped up so neatly like that. I see it and I’m underwhelmed. Suddenly it means nothing really. Ivy league education. Literary aspirations. Soft voice. I suppose it really amounts to nothing, and I don’t think it will. Though, a few moments ago I wish it had.
But I do believe it is extremely difficult to define your own voice in art. The world I’ve chosen, it is so clear (albeit also very difficult) to distinguish yourself as something new and good. With her though, anything that falls short can be regarding as some cheap approximation of the real thing. And that’s rough. And it’s so hard. I find it incredibly easy to criticize it. Is she naive? Am I?
I’m mostly upset that most people can pick up and go. Or at least women. I think of Melissa and Greg, and although at the end of the day I would agree that she made the right choice… how could she do that to him? It something so cruel. Or am I upset that she made me wait it out for one month in vain. Or am I upset that she can look at her life and continue to move forward? How could she? She lives inside walls that are built upon hard work, yes, but I wonder how she would be without them. Would she rise to the challenge, get that PhD and become some professor for the rest of her days. I feel like I could never satisfy her and that is something I feared from the start. That she would leave me. I know that anything I start has to end eventually, but I also know that she can do it so easily. And at the end of the day she is good… but is that right? Is this some antiquated notion? I call myself a conventional man with boyish fantasies. Is it so childish to think about forever?
Definitely a feminist; a modern girl. And what am I? Modern? and not to elevate myself, but possibly post-modern? Can I really say that depression is some higher ground? I know that people like her do come out on top. Will I have a second coming? Can I achieve anything worthy of recognition.
But she, she lives inside walls… walls that I have rejected, but still fear. And why? It doesn’t make much sense. Perhaps it is fear of the unknown… but let’s face it. I’ve seen better writing at NYU. I’m fairly confident we can dish out some of the best stuff right now. I take comfort in the fact that most of us aren’t extremely wealthy or pampered… that you’re likely to find some who just struggled and got here, not by way of some fancy prep school.
I still love that she tried.
She saw me, and gave me a chance even with all my insecurities. I’m not afraid now, only because I know that her musings (at least those made public) are those of the happy wanderer. I tell myself, and I know that I’d rather bite the bullet than be content. I can’t accept what lies before me, and I’m in the process of losing everything because of this. I look at myself, and compare myself against others and see that right now I am nothing. No interests, no thoughts. So there are really only two directions to go from here, I can either die or strive. Sink or swim. So I should swim. I am nothing, so this will be easy. I have to embrace the fucking philosophy and start saying yes.
Forget yourself and don’t look back.
I don’t have you with me, but I keep a good attitude. Today I’m happy and I don’t know why
<Thoughts on peace during a> hurricane
…and if you asked me at the beginning of the month what picture would be at the top of the post, I would have never guessed that it would be these guys (probably would have said Adele or Maggie Cheung). But let’s get this straight, and it’s in this order: In the Mood for Love->Good Will Hunting->Annie Hall->Taxi Driver->Chasing Amy… and to me, in this moment, I feel like there couldn’t have been a better list of movies to go through this August. wow, it’s been a long month, but the end is much too near!
and at each of these nodes a truth was found. not just a good lesson but a truth <irrevocable!> unchanging! And each of these truths was a revision on the one that preceded it. it just goes to show how absurd it’s all been and how fickle i can be. new folds of meaning will reveal themselves inevitably. but until then it doesn’t change that i know this now! and I’m happy in knowing it!
After In the Mood for Love, I loved her because I knew she had a deeper understanding of the whole thing. And she knew what leaving felt like. And it’s such a beautiful movie.
After good will hunting I knew I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me back, but at this point I know that I am afraid of what she knows, what’s she’s experienced. Because my life is so small compared to hers. But who cares?
and if you asked me was this the longest month of your life a couple hours ago, I would have said yes a thousand times. However, I still know that it has been the strangest. but how quickly it has gone. The end came so quickly. There isn’t enough time left!
i’m in love with a girl named juli. i know this but i still have to play the game. i can’t tell her, that may be disastrous. <I love you, but I’m afraid to love you>
I watched chasing amy for the first time tonight. on a whim. and it’s so strange that sometimes, life can play out stranger than fiction. especially when we consider the boring, drab, work-a-day lives that we carry out. in this we find fascinating moments. and kevin smith had to deliver it to me. for a month i couldn’t quite put it into the right words. but now i know exactly what to say and what she said to me has so much more meaning.
she said once she was done. out of harvard and back from korea, she knew she was nothing. she saw her life and saw nothing. no true accomplishments. But it dawned on me just now. How scared I was in the exact same way. In light of her, I was nothing. I knew this with absolute certainty <absurd!> <any dock in the storm>. And I was afraid that she’d leave me for something else. Because I’d never been with someone smarter than me. You said that you would see Adele at the neaue gallery <don’t force it>. I suppose that day will come. I never lie to myself. Not in that way. I know she is beautiful, but I won’t love her. Still, the only certainty for me at this point is music. Build your life around it.
… but even still i have my doubts. in all that fantasy at least the male got to the point where the female role is absolutely in love with them. at least they have that. I am still at a point of great uncertainty. but i know this. i know this with all my heart. <as usual, as usual> but now I know and now I can think. And I still doubt that we will end up together. But I guess it doesn’t matter. At this point we’re both nothing. Zeroes. So why should it matter what came before? They’ve all been negative experiences anyways. Why do I pry?
Will you remember this past week? I doubt it. I hardly remember it now. It was so strange and the confusion was like no other you’ve felt before. Nothing made sense, but not only that, no one made sense not even your closest friends. What is it that gets him to his feet? Why does she smile?
We’re all part of something bigger. You don’t have to tell her all this. Just say you want to see her again and that you missed her.
Woman in a Yellow Dress, 1899
Max Kurzweil
Large image: HERE
This is the second night in a week that I had a dream about the ocean. and the beach. and large ships.
and in a state of being half awake, half asleep… I dreamt of her. With different hair and with another man. I didn’t say a word. We met each other while crossing broadway along houston. and the crowds muddled whatever words could have been heard.
I have to work soon. what is this strange feeling? this month has been one of the strangest in my life. heavy drinking. In the beginning, I knew I needed her. and in a sense i still feel that now. but it’s really not the same. and when rob and greg came up i felt like i didn’t know them at all. everything is moving at such a fast rate, and then at work i feel the stagnation. is it possible i’m still the same person after all these years. I don’t think i can change.
I thought it was Klimt…
(via accidentalcharm)
and I guess the dream isn’t as important as the reality. She’s leaving. Right now. And there’s nothing I could really do. I don’t know why she says those things. “I’m going to be rich”. In jest, tongue in cheek, I know. But it’s irritating. Because that is what she chose. Going back home, she will be well off, she will have that security. It’s a terrible existence that I live. Because I’m going to feel that she is the only one who can save me. But will I ever see her again? I’ll be honest with myself. That’s not really in my hands.
Of course, I’m thinking of Peter Walsh. she was unpacking and rachel w was there. she said, “o you can keep that” and finished up dusting off furniture. i think by the end it transformed into my sister’s room. “isn’t this sad?” she said… isn’t that what she said at the end of freshman year? but in this dream i tried to play it cool. i don’t act quite so genuinely around her anymore, i’m behind my fears. in the dream and freshman year: “yeah it’s sad” I said
