<Thoughts on peace during a> hurricane
…and if you asked me at the beginning of the month what picture would be at the top of the post, I would have never guessed that it would be these guys (probably would have said Adele or Maggie Cheung). But let’s get this straight, and it’s in this order: In the Mood for Love->Good Will Hunting->Annie Hall->Taxi Driver->Chasing Amy… and to me, in this moment, I feel like there couldn’t have been a better list of movies to go through this August. wow, it’s been a long month, but the end is much too near!
and at each of these nodes a truth was found. not just a good lesson but a truth <irrevocable!> unchanging! And each of these truths was a revision on the one that preceded it. it just goes to show how absurd it’s all been and how fickle i can be. new folds of meaning will reveal themselves inevitably. but until then it doesn’t change that i know this now! and I’m happy in knowing it!
After In the Mood for Love, I loved her because I knew she had a deeper understanding of the whole thing. And she knew what leaving felt like. And it’s such a beautiful movie.
After good will hunting I knew I was afraid that she wouldn’t love me back, but at this point I know that I am afraid of what she knows, what’s she’s experienced. Because my life is so small compared to hers. But who cares?
and if you asked me was this the longest month of your life a couple hours ago, I would have said yes a thousand times. However, I still know that it has been the strangest. but how quickly it has gone. The end came so quickly. There isn’t enough time left!
i’m in love with a girl named juli. i know this but i still have to play the game. i can’t tell her, that may be disastrous. <I love you, but I’m afraid to love you>
I watched chasing amy for the first time tonight. on a whim. and it’s so strange that sometimes, life can play out stranger than fiction. especially when we consider the boring, drab, work-a-day lives that we carry out. in this we find fascinating moments. and kevin smith had to deliver it to me. for a month i couldn’t quite put it into the right words. but now i know exactly what to say and what she said to me has so much more meaning.
she said once she was done. out of harvard and back from korea, she knew she was nothing. she saw her life and saw nothing. no true accomplishments. But it dawned on me just now. How scared I was in the exact same way. In light of her, I was nothing. I knew this with absolute certainty <absurd!> <any dock in the storm>. And I was afraid that she’d leave me for something else. Because I’d never been with someone smarter than me. You said that you would see Adele at the neaue gallery <don’t force it>. I suppose that day will come. I never lie to myself. Not in that way. I know she is beautiful, but I won’t love her. Still, the only certainty for me at this point is music. Build your life around it.
… but even still i have my doubts. in all that fantasy at least the male got to the point where the female role is absolutely in love with them. at least they have that. I am still at a point of great uncertainty. but i know this. i know this with all my heart. <as usual, as usual> but now I know and now I can think. And I still doubt that we will end up together. But I guess it doesn’t matter. At this point we’re both nothing. Zeroes. So why should it matter what came before? They’ve all been negative experiences anyways. Why do I pry?
Will you remember this past week? I doubt it. I hardly remember it now. It was so strange and the confusion was like no other you’ve felt before. Nothing made sense, but not only that, no one made sense not even your closest friends. What is it that gets him to his feet? Why does she smile?
We’re all part of something bigger. You don’t have to tell her all this. Just say you want to see her again and that you missed her.
