youenjoimyself

12/31/11 - New Brunswick, NJ

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 22:49:35 -0400

New Year’s Eve at the Stress Factory!

Well, I’m going to try to go to this… but dammit. I feel so stupid right now. Need to forget her. I need to find someone else

Photo

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 00:19:36 -0400

September 11, 2011 8:44PM Watched ‘Manhattan’...

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 22:42:00 -0400

September 11, 2011 8:44PM

Watched ‘Manhattan’ for the first time today at BAM which was also a first. Very good. Very gratifying. And very New York.

The music was sooo beautiful too. Really shrunk my heart. I love something as much as he does this city.

Say Yes

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 02:24:34 -0400

Sometimes, you just have to find a reason to hate someone. That or just find someone else. Am I fickle? Is she?

And she. I never thought to do a google search. Funny how someone’s life can be wrapped up so neatly like that. I see it and I’m underwhelmed. Suddenly it means nothing really. Ivy league education. Literary aspirations. Soft voice. I suppose it really amounts to nothing, and I don’t think it will. Though, a few moments ago I wish it had.

But I do believe it is extremely difficult to define your own voice in art. The world I’ve chosen, it is so clear (albeit also very difficult) to distinguish yourself as something new and good. With her though, anything that falls short can be regarding as some cheap approximation of the real thing. And that’s rough. And it’s so hard. I find it incredibly easy to criticize it. Is she naive? Am I?

I’m mostly upset that most people can pick up and go. Or at least women. I think of Melissa and Greg, and although at the end of the day I would agree that she made the right choice… how could she do that to him? It something so cruel. Or am I upset that she made me wait it out for one month in vain. Or am I upset that she can look at her life and continue to move forward? How could she? She lives inside walls that are built upon hard work, yes, but I wonder how she would be without them. Would she rise to the challenge, get that PhD and become some professor for the rest of her days. I feel like I could never satisfy her and that is something I feared from the start. That she would leave me. I know that anything I start has to end eventually, but I also know that she can do it so easily. And at the end of the day she is good… but is that right? Is this some antiquated notion? I call myself a conventional man with boyish fantasies. Is it so childish to think about forever?

Definitely a feminist; a modern girl. And what am I? Modern? and not to elevate myself, but possibly post-modern? Can I really say that depression is some higher ground? I know that people like her do come out on top. Will I have a second coming? Can I achieve anything worthy of recognition.

But she, she lives inside walls… walls that I have rejected, but still fear. And why? It doesn’t make much sense. Perhaps it is fear of the unknown… but let’s face it. I’ve seen better writing at NYU. I’m fairly confident we can dish out some of the best stuff right now. I take comfort in the fact that most of us aren’t extremely wealthy or pampered… that you’re likely to find some who just struggled and got here, not by way of some fancy prep school.

I still love that she tried.

She saw me, and gave me a chance even with all my insecurities. I’m not afraid now, only because I know that her musings (at least those made public) are those of the happy wanderer. I tell myself, and I know that I’d rather bite the bullet than be content. I can’t accept what lies before me, and I’m in the process of losing everything because of this. I look at myself, and compare myself against others and see that right now I am nothing. No interests, no thoughts. So there are really only two directions to go from here, I can either die or strive. Sink or swim. So I should swim. I am nothing, so this will be easy. I have to embrace the fucking philosophy and start saying yes.

Forget yourself and don’t look back.

Woman in a Yellow Dress, 1899 Max Kurzweil Large image:...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 07:55:32 -0400

Woman in a Yellow Dress, 1899

Max Kurzweil

Large image: HERE

This is the second night in a week that I had a dream about the ocean. and the beach. and large ships.

and in a state of being half awake, half asleep… I dreamt of her. With different hair and with another man. I didn’t say a word. We met each other while crossing broadway along houston. and the crowds muddled whatever words could have been heard.

I have to work soon. what is this strange feeling? this month has been one of the strangest in my life. heavy drinking. In the beginning, I knew I needed her. and in a sense i still feel that now. but it’s really not the same. and when rob and greg came up i felt like i didn’t know them at all. everything is moving at such a fast rate, and then at work i feel the stagnation. is it possible i’m still the same person after all these years. I don’t think i can change.

I thought it was Klimt…

She's leaving me.

Sat, 21 May 2011 08:25:35 -0400

and I guess the dream isn’t as important as the reality. She’s leaving. Right now. And there’s nothing I could really do. I don’t know why she says those things. “I’m going to be rich”. In jest, tongue in cheek, I know. But it’s irritating. Because that is what she chose. Going back home, she will be well off, she will have that security. It’s a terrible existence that I live. Because I’m going to feel that she is the only one who can save me. But will I ever see her again? I’ll be honest with myself. That’s not really in my hands.

Of course, I’m thinking of Peter Walsh. she was unpacking and rachel w was there. she said, “o you can keep that” and finished up dusting off furniture. i think by the end it transformed into my sister’s room. “isn’t this sad?” she said… isn’t that what she said at the end of freshman year? but in this dream i tried to play it cool. i don’t act quite so genuinely around her anymore, i’m behind my fears. in the dream and freshman year: “yeah it’s sad” I said

Sleeping Pills. okdream

Wed, 11 May 2011 04:14:00 -0400

I took sleeping pills so that I may wake up very early (330) and not feel terrible. works every time. I’m up now. It’s 4am. Had a strange dream. I guess it’s the way i think nowadays being on okcupid and all. I was asking a girl for a number, and things were all good. but i was also talking to my sister, thru texts, and she was writing about how she and thomas were now friends. still chatting thru gchat. but she was sad. and she was at church too. strange how i think of her in dreams like these.

The Graham stop looked very different, and when i got home, it looked more like Matt’s basement. I walked past some teachers who were complaining about the disrespect of their students, and i woke up thinking that it never hits you as a kid, the problems of the world. you really don’t care when you’re younger. shit i gotta study for this test. 3 hours, let’s roll!

Angel Face

Thu, 05 May 2011 23:55:19 -0400

It’s coming fast. and you thought it never would. now there’s so much you want to say to her. even to the others. but she’ll leave soon, across the ocean in the arms of someone who loves her. is it stupid to think she’s not happy? of course she is. that’s what you loved her for. but she’ll soon be gone. make up a goodbye at least. is it stupid to ask?

but maybe i’ll just get very emotional. ask, where were you when i needed you? when i was face down in my bed, unable to move. starving. i want to blame her for everything. i get so angry at the thought of her. and her happiness. she came here not knowing anything, and look how much she’s gained. you’ve just been a decaying mess. it’s disgusting.

“Tell me,” he said, seizing her by the shoulders. “Are you happy, Clarissa? Does Richard —”

No, don’t use that. Gotta give a stupid presentation tomorrow. ugh.

remember in high school, when it was ending, you had the same exact thoughts. that it was pathetic to lie to yourself about your own happiness. that things don’t wrap themselves up so nicely and the people who make it nice for themselves are just assholes. what has changed? why are you so bitter?

Cultural Symbology

Tue, 03 May 2011 00:02:00 -0400

Okay, bin Laden is dead. And I am one of the fortunate ones who gets to hear the musings of young intellectuals. In the class room, on the streets, and on blogs there seems to be much ambivalence over how to feel about all this. Yes, we know al Queda is alive and well, and yes bin Laden was only one man. I don’t think anyone truly believes that this death secures peace for our nation; if anything, the resolve our enemies has been weakened. His death is hard to explain to any realist or pragmatist observing the celebrations of the greater American public. Across the board amongst these deep thinkers, however, there is a shared notion that the celebration of death is morally repugnant.

I am reminded of the debate over the mosque being erected in the vicinity of Ground Zero not too long ago, and what we may learn from that tense subject. The shared issue of both events lies in the realm of cultural symbology. I’ll be the first to admit my own apathy and general pessimism in the face of politics and social strife; however, I am at once entirely against the notion that those celebrating in light of death should be relegated to the level of those who celebrated the horrific events of 9/11. Let’s be clear: last night’s operation involved the assassination of a fascist and ruthless leader of the most prevalent terrorist organization on the face of the Earth. On 9/11, innocent civilians were sent to an early grave, and millions of Americans that stood witness would carry scars of unknowable depth for the rest of their lives. The two are incomparable, and characterizing those in the streets who cry tears of joy (in response to death) as ignorant or uncivil or immoral is repugnant in my eyes. Symbols in culture are of great importance. If you don’t understand them, this does not give you the right to trample on another’s beliefs. I don’t think you or I can imagine the tremendous hurt felt by those who participate in the upholding of strong symbols in our society. Osama bin Laden’s death is really no big deal to me, but I understand that it is of great pride and a source of tremendous happiness for others.

Nothing too spectacular, just trying to get some nice practice...

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 23:22:52 -0400

Nothing too spectacular, just trying to get some nice practice in. “Ghosts of Washington Square”

pedalfar: (via Nicholas Kennedy Sitton) I was at fat cat...

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 05:43:53 -0500

pedalfar:

(via Nicholas Kennedy Sitton)

I was at fat cat again. This time til 4. She was so beautiful you should have talked to her. instead, you convinced yourself that musicians are too intimidating. i’ve never even thought about a female jazz pianist…

"I mean, who am I? Where am I going?"

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 12:59:24 -0500

“I mean, who am I? Where am I going?”

- Tonight was spent in the library, for some part, and I was supposed to work. All through the night. But of course, I didn’t. In fact, I couldn’t. Because the subject of my work was my life. It is my life. And I have to write it out on paper. So, I’m lead back to the two main questions in anyone’s life (see above).

And somehow you’re still thinking of the same shit as before, Mrs Dalloway. And Peter Walsh. As usual, as usual. Promise to yourself that you’ll call her before you leave this place. Grab a drink with her. Because, you know what regret is. At least in smaller sizes. You’ll carry it for the rest of your life if you don’t see her again. Don’t think about what she’ll say if…

Just do it. Some day soon. A weekday in spring. because I love you very much. So much, in fact, that it wouldn’t matter to me if you loved me back.

outside my window

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 16:42:00 -0500

outside my window

Thoughts on World Domination

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 21:12:12 -0500

Thoughts on World Domination

it’s the super bowl again.

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 08:54:54 -0500

it’s the super bowl again.

It’s already leaving me, but it felt so real. I was supposed to go home, take the bus. But...

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 08:48:53 -0500

It’s already leaving me, but it felt so real.

I was supposed to go home, take the bus. But somehow I was in your apartment, It felt like Union Square. Where was I? behind Coral. or behind 33rd. It felt like a familiar location. But I didn’t know where. I explaine dbriefly that it’d be weird if he came or if I saw him because of shit. But I asked you if you wanted to hang out. You said yes. You were happy to see me, but I don’t know if that’d be the case in reality. I’m scared to find out.

I’ve never been happier in a dream in my life. I was talking a mile a minute. About everything I’ve wanted to say to you. I love you, but it’s okay if you don’t love me back. And we were walking north, until it was a highway, a very wide highway. And we’re headed towards the mountain. And then we were headed on a train north. And you’ve been on this train before only it was in another dream where you saw a different Manhattan. This was the east side of manhattan going up towards the Bronx or something. We were in no man’s land tho. I remember you said it would only be eight miles. You were talking about a walk tho. You wanted to spend all day with me tho. That felt really nice. You had no plans, but I had to go home. With my sister.

There were mountains all around us, and this was a double decker train. We went up to the second level and I think you were looking something up. But change scenes and we’re back in Manhattan. And ethan is there. And you two are talking, he’s unusually exuberant as he usually was around her and j. but i kindof fell into the background. And the last thought I had was wanting to eat you out and that it wasn’t fair that you were being taken from me.

I’m rushing to get towards the bus station. I’m on this train going there and I read this ad for something… I remember greenpeace, but now that I think of it, it agrees too much with the latter part of my story. Then this guy starts talking about how great eHarmony is. And a bunch of people flock towards him like he’s a prophet. But then hillaire comes out wearing this wintry but dark outfit with a vest and shit. She was talking to the crowd and convinced them that eHarmony was bullshit. I talked to her briefly. She gave me a shoutout during her speech and even mentioned Ian.

I get off the train, mom and dad are probably pissed that I haven’t gotten on the bus yet. I feel their presence throughout the entire dream. I have to go. But I get a meal first. The guy rings me up without my telling him my order. It turns out being two slices of pizza and a coke.

But what about you? You were so pleasant to be around and I wanted ethan gone. He was there like a bad dream. You understood what I was going through. I’m getting old man, and there’s not enough time to do this. She’s a woman now, but you’re still a boy. You gotta tell her something. You’re sorry or you just have to see her. You have class right after her in the same room. And there she was.

and i had the chance to buy a vest for like 1.98 dollars. Don’t know if I did.

Video

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 21:04:49 -0500

Death Dream

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 12:57:52 -0500

1/28/2011 6.37am

About 30 minutes ago I woke up from a pretty deep sleep in which I envisioned my own near death. I woke up with a strained feeling along the right side of my abdomen.

The first part of the dream consisited of the nighnors who Gene and Elise, only they were living in the house on the right. I went ober there and I think I was trespassing or something. All I know is they didn’t want me there. I think they were ready to die so they bought this really nice, black Porsche or Benz or Volvo looking thing and it just sat in the driveway. They had no plans of paying for the car, just riding it til they died

At some point this happened. I’m on the operating table and I’m getting some organ fized or something. There are also tubes going through both my calf muscles and I’m in a sort of plastic tub. The plastic is thin, like vinyl for the shower. And there’s water in it, but enough room for my mouth to get air. During the operaton, there’s the light. And I remind myself to stay away from it. So I did. I wake up once during the operation and say that I don’t have enough room for my feet to move. It was a very constricting bag of water. So they changed it and replugged me and all that. One of the doctors looked like the guy from Reno 911 and neither was very careful with his work.

I had to ask to be taken to the hospital because I knew that I would have these uncontrollable seizures. I think in my dream I could control them a little, like, I had seizures when… I let myself… if that makes sense. Well I had to ask mom, who had to do something else. But I said, “I have to go goddammit.” I was serious. So then she took me.

I’m somewhere, and there’s couches and Inae’s there. When Frank’s whole family comes walking in to see us. Lot’s of windows. Almost like the look of the hospital Tony Soprano stayed at in season 6. Well, I fell down and had a seizure. And now I have two bodies but this was done subtly smooth transition. They’re hysterical. John and Frank lift my first body, I thnk it’s in a tux and I’m face down, and they lift me out holding my hands and feet out through the door where they came in. Jane’s mom is hysterical. I see my body being taken away. Then they pull me away, in first person. Or I think Jane’s mom tried. Frank came back (I guess from dropping off my first body) and lifts me…. Somewhere. That’s all I remember from that scene

This scene directly follows that one. There’s some old Spanish looking dude or something. Weather Is warm. I think they’re outside my hospital. Maybe Charlie was there. Anyways, I remember some old guy dying and he was in Jane’s family. Apparently the hysteria of the whole event set him off.

My operation is done and I see Joe. Black joe. And he says something backhanded as he usually does and I think I told him to fuck himself or something at least to that effect. Anyways, my family was sitting there. It looked like the lecture hall where you took Linear Algebra only bigger and there was a carpeted hallway behind the rows of desks. I am alive and mom and Inae are happy. Dad’s happy too, only he offers me what looks like 2g’s in cash with 500 dollar bills and insists that I take it. Inae gets pissed about this and says that dad is so weird. He says something like, I know you …. But I want you to have this” anyways. I explained my usual schpeel about how it didn’t matter whose hands the money was in. So I just took it. That was probably the end. O and I came back and found that everyone had already eaten their McDonalds.

Physically, I’m a bit woozy. I’m thirsty, and like I said, the right side of my abdomen feels like it’s been worked out. Similar to when I had that seizure. I had 3 beers today in addition to feeling extremely tired. I fell asleep around 220. The headache at the top of your head is gone. I still feel the drill pressure in the back of my head. Feet a little tingly.

I am really getting to like some of these female comedians...

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 00:11:55 -0500

I am really getting to like some of these female comedians nowadays. This video is so. damn. funny.

youenjoimyself

12/31/11 - New Brunswick, NJ

Photo

September 11, 2011 8:44PM Watched ‘Manhattan’...

Say Yes

Woman in a Yellow Dress, 1899 Max Kurzweil Large image:...

She's leaving me.

Sleeping Pills. okdream

Trending

Angel Face

Cultural Symbology

Nothing too spectacular, just trying to get some nice practice...

pedalfar: (via Nicholas Kennedy Sitton) I was at fat cat...

"I mean, who am I? Where am I going?"

outside my window

Thoughts on World Domination

it’s the super bowl again.

It’s already leaving me, but it felt so real. I was supposed to go home, take the bus. But...

Video

Death Dream

I am really getting to like some of these female comedians...